Thursday, June 25, 2015

Day 25 My Hope

So today is June 25th. June is Migraine and Headache Awareness Month. #MHAMBC Today's writing prompt was : "YOUR Hope," What do you hope for most in your journey with Headaches or Migraines? 

My hope for the future.... I really don't hope for a cure anymore. I know that's hard to believe and hard for my family to understand. It's not that I don't want to get better because I do. It's that I have changed the focus of my life away from the hunt for the cure. Trying to cure my headaches does not need to take the majority of my time, energy, and money. I had to come to a place of acceptance that if my headaches never go away I can still have an amazing life. I needed to stop waiting. Stop waiting to get better. My life was passing me by and I was  just waiting.

Not hoping for a cure was one of the best things I ever did. I feel free in a way I didn't know I could feel anymore. This is not for everyone. I don't know that with Chronic Migraine you can give up. It's too hard to keep trying cures when there are a million. But New Daily Persistent Headache... Until we know more about it, it just feels like throwing my money and time into the wind. It feels like insanity. Trying the same things over and over and hoping they will suddenly become treatment for NDPH. Migraines and NDPH are not the same thing. Continuing to treat NDPH with migraine treatment is a guarantee failure. 

Maybe there will come a time when I resume the hunt. Maybe the need for a cure will consume me again one day but I don't think so. I've finally given it fully into God's hands. If He wants to heal me, He will. That's enough for me. I've progressed so far down this road that I've written a note to my future self to explain why we aren't seeking a cure. I didn't know if I would ever post it. I really just wrote it as a note to myself when I was feeling weak but here it is:

Dear Future Megan,

Can you just listen to this for once? How many times do we have to do this? I don't say this to be be mean or negative but you have NDPH. If you ever get better is will be a miracle from God. So please stop wasting your money and time on people who promise they can help you. Guess what? They are lying. They probably don't mean to. Even as I write this I can see you plotting which doctor you want to visit next. So I've made a step by step guide to help you make good choices.
1. A high quality website does not mean they can treat NDPH or let's be honest, have ever even heard of it. Ok here is a test for you. Call the office and ask the Dr. if he knows what NPDH stands for. It you want to cheat you can even spell it out. If by some miracle they have heard of it, you may move to step two.
2. Do they really know what NDPH is? Ok say they do. But have they ever treated anyone with it or hey, have they even met anyone with it because you haven't. You may only advance if they say yes, okay?
3. Do they promise they can cure you or even reduce it? 
Yes- then you stop here. You may not continue. 
No-you may continue. People who say yes are delusional and probably just made an educated guess as to what NDPH stands for. No one can promise to fix you. Repeat this to yourself. Over and over when you are weak and it just feels so good to have someone tell you they can fix it. If they promise you may only continue when upon failure they will give you a full 100% cash reimbursement as well as a time compensation. They said no to that? Well then they aren't confident in their promise are they?
4. It's going to hurt. All of it. Even the things that don't seem like they will hurt. All of it hurts really bad. Massage? Physical Therapy? Chiropractic? Yes all of them and many more. Are you a masochist? I think you are. Because the last 40 times you went to the chiropractor it almost hurt as bad as your spinal tap for a moment. Not really but you do hear this comparison? It was almost that bad and it hurts EVERY time! All of them. Stop paying people to hurt you. Why do you do this??  Touching the ouch spots does not fix them. Repeat: Touching the ouch spots does not fix them. Why do you ask people to do this? Still want to continue? Fine.
5. So the pain didn't deter you. (Surprise, Surprise) How about the money? Think of what you can buy with all that money. We won't disclose the amount that has been spent in search for the cure because I don't actually know it. And we would weep if Matt told us because you could probably buy a pony and a castle in Ireland for us both to live in. Instead you give your money to Charlatans. But whatever a pony would probably be really stupid.
6. You are still going?!?!?!?! Ugh ok. We are now going to do some visualizing. You just finished your last visit, the one where they think you should be cured already. They will either:
a) tell you to continue to come forever, just in case. 
b) make excuse because your condition is 'chronic'. 
c) get mad and frustrated
Ending things is the worst feeling ever. They never understand and they make you feel guilty. They make you feel like you want to stay sick. Remember this feeling when you want to start things up. Remember how bad it is and how small you feel. You almost always cry in the car on the way home. But don't be discouraged here are some things you can do instead of looking for a cure.
1. Face Time your nieces and nephews
2. Eat food
3. Take a bath
4. Have a cup/pot of tea
5. Listen to the Book Thief again.
There you go. Those things are more fun and may make you feel a little better. Please remember this. Save your money for CC (Clopitty Cupcake, my pony is already named, obviously) and Ireland.

I should really include a drawing of CC. We'll see...