Sunday, December 6, 2015

How to want things appropriately. (I do no know how to do this)

I do not know how to want things the appropriate amount. I either want them all the way or I hate them. I'll give you two examples and then I'll show you pictures.
1. Hygiene School
So I applied to dental hygiene school and I wanted it bad. Really bad. It was my only dream. I had no back ups and nothing else I wanted to do. Then I received a letter telling me I was not accepted. I was put on the reserve list but that felt like a slap in the face. So I went to South Florida for the summer and spat in dental hygiene school's face as I left town. Dental hygiene school was actually dumb I realized. Only losers went. I had too much creativity and talent to waste it in a stranger's mouths. It was actually a blessing. I'd almost made a horrible mistake.
Then halfway through the summer, I got a phone call. I remember everything about that call. I remember exactly what I was doing. I was out to lunch with Jessica, her current boyfriend, and Matt. We were eating at a restaurant after seeing Superman. Jessica had ordered a fancy macaroni and cheese and did not like it as she had promised the waitress before she'd peer pressured Jessica into ordering it anyway. I picked up the phone call from my parent's home number and I heard my mom and dad say that they'd received a letter and I had been accepted into dental hygiene school. I remember I was the facing the windows (this is pre headache days) and I couldn't wrap my mind around what I was hearing. Dental hygiene school? I was accepted? I didn't even want that anymore. I really thought about turning it down. It still tasted bitter in my mouth. But we all know how this ends. I accepted it and then proceeded to live out two hellish years and then end up in a profession I really loved. I am unaware of the moral of this story.

2. Babies.
If anyone has had trouble getting pregnant than they know that 28 days is a very long time when you wanted a baby yesterday. It seems endless. So at first I was all cool about it. Yeah babies whatever. I'm still youngish and I'm in no hurry. And most of the woman in my family get pregnant easy so it'll be soon. Probably next month, oh then my baby can be born in April like me. Sweet.
Months go by and every negative test and first blood is painful. Like try not to cry painful. Just such disappointment. And I don't want to feel that way. I don't want this to turn me into a bitter monster but in that first moment I know there is another whole month I have to do this all over again.  And face this moment again. I have to tell Matt and he's cool about it. But he doesn't really have a choice.
So then I pull a Megan and start hardening my heart to the pain. I remind myself that children, and babies especially, are actually the worst. It's so hard. And with my headaches... I spend some time really trying to imagine what it will be like and my imagination makes me want to vomit. Who am I kidding trying to have a kid? If God is good then I'll probably never have one. It seems an impossibly hard task. And I'm such an amazing aunt. That's enough. So then I get my period and I'm relieved. Sighing as I take headache pain pills for the first time in 28 days. I get one more month of freedom. But then I start to believe my own propaganda. Maybe I shouldn't have kids. They are the worst, right?

So you see my problem. I wish I knew how to want things a medium amount, an amount that wouldn't kill me but also wouldn't turn me against my dreams. I still do not know how to do this. So I see-saw back and forth until God forces my hand and I'm stuck in one position or the other.

Pictures!!! the girl on the left is hoping for the thing that might happen and then the girl on the right has just heard it is not going to happen. See how they handle this news!

Wanting a thing a normal amount.

Wanting a thing too much

Wanting a thing too little

And now a bonus: The long awaited Cloppity Cupcake!!!


P.S. Bri, your wish is my command.