Monday, June 15, 2015

Day 15 Migraine and Headache Awareness Month Blog Challenge

Look at me doing two days in a row. That is actually what I want to write about today for Day 15 of #MHAMBC #NDPH  The writing prompt was the song "When you believe" by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. It's from The Prince of Egypt . Great movie, great song. The best line in the whole song is "Though hope is frail it's hard to kill."

Oh that sentence is so true. How hard I've tried to kill hope, to just be done with it but thankfully it endured. It endured in part because of days like today: Better Days. Not pain-free days but markedly better days. They are sweet nectar. They are the things that spoonies live on.

So what does a better day look like? I usually only write about the bad of the bad but better days are the rarer, elusive kind of days. They need to be studied for science.

Today started at 7:30 a little early. I felt 'not great' as I do most mornings. I'd been clenching and grinding all night and my face was sore. I made myself breakfast (lately it's been a protein shake by Herbalife) then I sat and watched a show in the dark for a bit. These two things are crucial for any day.
1. Nice cold liquid breakfast. It's a rest for my overworked face muscles.
2. Meaningless, relaxing T.V. in the dark.
So √ and √ for today. But then as I rested and charged for the day I began to notice that I was charging a lot. More than normal. My batteries were filling up and up. I dared to hope that a better day lay ahead of me.

Then at 9am I mailed a letter at the FedEx store. On a normal day, I would have to come home and rest after that. One errand, you scoff. Yes. After one errand. Especially one done so early in the day. 9am so early? Yes. But today I didn't go home. I did another errand. Then another. Still feeling good. Then I came home to change and went to the gym!! What a day right?

Going to the gym is a coin flip that usually only has one side. I need to go to the gym. People who exercise get fewer headaches, said some dummy somewhere. Also I want to be in optimal shape pre-baby to make my life easier on the flip-side.
Problems with gym:
1. It's bright, darn it. There are huge windows all along the wall. I try to pick a treadmill in the shadows but it's tricksy and some days the sun reflects off everything and I know I've failed.
2. I have to drive to and from. This may sound obvious but the car is not always a good place for me ex: sun, reflections, noises. And on the way home I may be on the precipice and driving will tip me over.
3. It's exercise. My heart is pumping. My head is pounding. I'm sweating. Enough, you get it. Going to the gym often means giving up the rest of my day but everything had a price. But today as I leave, I feel the edge. I feel it and somehow skirt it. I made it past. The day is still good.

Now it's only 2pm. I'm probably counting my chickens but making it from sun up to 2pm is a gift and I thank God for it. Days like today are a wellspring of hope and when I am faced with one I have two options: 1. Enjoy the crap out of it. Do all the things I can. Live it to the absolute fullest with no regard to how long it will last.
2. Savor it in quiet like a sweet wine. Sip is slowly and deeply. Breathe it in and try to stretch it as long as it will possibly go.

I usually go for plan 1 because getting things done is so tempting and validating. Because its nice to be able to tell Matt all the things I did when he comes home from work. But it slides me into my nemesis and sensitive spot. My worth is not related to what I accomplish. My worth is not related to what I accomplish. I am not a better wife if I run 10 errands. I am not a more valuable human if I leave the blinds open. My worth comes from God. It's so hard to remember. The eyes of the world don't like my invalid, quiet life. I'm only 27. I should go to the gym and run 10 errands every day with the triplets and our 4 beagles. But that's not my life (Thank God.) Each to their own. As Amy Poehler says "Good for her. Not for me."

***Status Update*** 3:50pm I broke it. No good thing can last forever or as we say in the Allen household "These things don't last forever". I went for a walk in the hot sun and the day is lost. I'm currently sitting in the dark stairwell eating a banana with an ice pack on my neck. Oh well. It was really great wasn't it?