Here in chronics my love affair with sleep and all the obstacles that come between us.
Not getting enough sleep makes it very very easy to become discontent. It's nearly impossible to break free from the crazy thought cycle.
"I'm so tired. I've never been this tired. She's never going to sleep."
"My head hurts so bad. This is the worst."
"I'm all alone in this. No one helps."
"I'm just so tired and my head hurts. I can't think of anything else."
But none of these things are 100% true. And it doesn't do to dwell on the problems. She will sleep again. My head will ease up. I will sleep again. I won't always feel this tired. I have so much help.
These are truths but they don't lent themselves to a good pity party.
Just to be clear, I love being a mom. It's the best. But the lack of sleep is a nightmare at first. It takes intentional emotional training to stop seeing sleep as the most important thing. It helps as baby gets older. But a missed nap or a late bedtime can still wreck emotional destruction if I'm not careful. But as I believe Daniel Tiger says "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
I've had to give up at least 3 sleep hours to write this post and each time I felt a little crazy. What am I doing giving up sleep? But here is the thing: If I sleep when she sleeps I feel a little better but I feel lazy and I wasted time when I could have been getting chores done. If I don't sleep when she sleeps I'm productive but soo tired. There is no win, I don't think. Motherhood is just tiredness, at least this stage. Accepting that allows contentment.
It is what it is.