Headache Survival Kit: How to survive your wife's headaches.

How to survive your wife's headaches. The only thing you need is the Headache Survival Kit for husbands. No more living in the dark!!

Disclaimer:

This post was approved by my husband. And by 'approved' I mean I told him about it and he said it sounded funny.

Review of Headache Treatment at True North Health Center

***Disclaimers***

1. Everyone there meant well and many people took excellent care of me.

2. While there were no 'good times' not every second was bad.

3. This is a little sad and contains many feelings.

I went to True North Health Center in September 2016 for my headache disorder, New Daily Persistent Headache. Basically I've had a headache every day for five+ years and it may never go away. Read this blog post for more info.  So I went to True North to try their treatment this past September. And it's taken me this long to decide to write about it. To be honest I have thought very little about it since then. It was too much and it is still even now too raw. And I can't wait to not think about this again.

True North Health Center is a clinic in California that treats all kind of conditions with water-only fasting and healthy eating. Water-only fasting means just that. Only consuming water for a set period of time. Many people do a week. My goal was 6-8 weeks. The thought behind this is that digesting our food takes 70% of the body's energy. So if there is nothing to digest, the body then has energy available to fix itself. Also the continuous water flushes out all the bad things. Sounds reasonable.

I heard about True North from many people. I didn't want to do it. But Matt did. Matt so rarely feels strongly about headache treatments that I felt compelled to try it and if he was hopeful, I was hopeful. People like to ask me if I'm glad I went. And I don't know. I can't go back in time and so I choose to be grateful for the things I got out of it even if I didn't get healing.

It's hard for me to describe to people in short conversation why it was so hard. It really wasn't just the not eating. I love eating for sure but I was pretty emotionally prepared to just have water. It was mostly that my body just broke. I'll take you through it.

The set-up. The compound is an old hotel. The rooms form a square around the central courtyard. There are probably 20? people there with me. But most fasters stay in their room. There is a cafeteria where meals are served for those easting. There are cooking demonstrations and lectures about eating well.
A staff medical person comes at least twice a day. (They come more often because I am a difficult case.) They tell me that they will come and wake me up in the morning to take me vitals. I do not like that idea. Most of the staff are men. But after a while I get comfortable and honestly most of the time when they come by I'm already awake. I had brought books and crafts but I barely felt well enough to watch T.V. Oh and you can't shower! Because fasting people will pass out in the shower. (Packing tip for anyone going there. Pack only these things: 4 set of pajamas, tank with built in bras, many underwear/socks, apple tv, bible, journal, toiletries including baby wipes, heating pad. That's it. You don't need a thing more.

 Here is a detailed summary of my visit. I wrote it all out because maybe someone who is thinking about True North for their headaches will find this page. I know I would have loved to read a blog like this before I went. Maybe I still would have gone and if I did it would have helped. I was unprepared for the level of suffering that was before me. Here is a day by day account. (Note: As I start feeling worse I journal less so I don't remember everything from the bad days.)

Sept  3: I arrive after a six hour plane ride, a three hour bus ride, and a fifteen minute taxi. (just missing a boat). I have -2 spoons. I could hardly stand to be around any of the check-in people. I just needed to be alone. I had paid extra for a room by myself (oh P.S. this is super expensive obviously) I get to my room and it hits me. I'm doing a crazy thing. I might be here for six weeks. Away from my kittens and husband for six weeks. I start to freak out a little. I felt scared, alone, overwhelmed and suffocated. And I fixed it by shoving it down because that was the only thing to do. After I unpacked and changed, I put on the Grand Hotel and felt like a new person. Oh Julio!

Sept 4:  I met my overseeing Doctor, Dr. O'Connell. She was nice. I wanted to start my fast right away but I wouldn't until the next day. I was still pretty optimistic at this point but anxious and awkward feeling.

Day 1 of fasting: I started the water fast and it was going fine at first. I felt excited and perky. I thought "Ha! I'm going to feel this good all month!"... Not so much. I started to feel bad around 1pm. Restlessness. Upset stomach. Back Pain. Bad headache. But all that stuff was expected so I just went to bed early and woke up at 4am. I'm a genius.

Day 2: No good, very bad, awful day. I'd never felt so horrible for so long a time. Headache, body aches, nausea, vomiting (3x). I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. It was really hard to keep myself distracted. I thought "It has to get better or I'll have to leave." It felt like hell. Sparkling water helped a bit.

Day 3-4: It's better. Bit by bit. Still bad but bearable. Statistically I should be finishing with my bad days. Whole body hurts but no vomiting. Constantly prayed "God help me!" Day 4 ends with lots of vomiting.

Le sigh
Day 5: Threw up too much yesterday... Forced to start 2 day juice. Doctor hopes that will calm my stomach and help me reset. Juice breaks the fast. So I'd be starting over with my six week count.

Day 6: Juice fast not great. Took sparkling water to help <----- Greatest mistake ever. Severe stomach pain. I mean for real severe. Thought I had appendicitis or something. Had to call the on-call doctor in the middle of the night. She recommended a suppository because she thought there was some stuff still in my tract (she is right 😊) **This on-call doctor is the best doctor I see the whole time. She is always there when I need her. Because my doctor, Dr. O, is also fasting and is useless to me.

Day 7: I'm on food, only temporarily. Zucchini, potato broth, juice. Felt full and bloated. Sharp pain. Suppository again.

Day 8: Stomach better. Strong pain hangover. Felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Wanted to sleep forever.

Day 9: Broth. Broth is 95% as effective as water only fasting. They think the electrolytes will help my stomach. I am still fasting.

Day 10: Felt good until 2pm. Full tight stomach. It felt like I had just had three Thanksgiving dinners. So full a sip of broth make me feel like I'll throw up. Only finished 1 1/2 of 4 broths. Risk of dehydration.

Day 11: Bottled water now. Full tight stomach again.

Day 12: Broth. Still can't swallow enough.

Day 13:Broth. Vomit. Too much vomiting. Risk of dehydration. My body now hates the broth. Juice now.

Day 14: Juice & water. I obviously couldn't go back to just water or broth. Juice does not put my body in fasting. I came to True North to fast. And my body wasn't letting me. I felt incapable and just wanted to go home. Dr O is not around to talk to. Other doctors come and I told them that I am paying $$$ a day to fast and my body wouldn't let me. They want me to stay for the whole six weeks but just eat their organic fancy food. I am 0% interested in that. I cry a lot. It's over. I failed.

Sample of my interactions with staff:

Everyone was nice and genuinely distressed at my body's reaction to everything. They so wanted me to be a success story. I felt taken care of and safe. It's not their fault.

Day 15: Refeeding. 4 giant plates of zucchini. Bleh.

Day 16: Fruit. I get to go home in a couple days. I felt empty. I wasn't sure if I regretted coming but I was glad for the lifestyle changes. (Note: during all this suffering, there is a DVD book you watch to kill time. The DVDs teach you that being vegan is the best and animal products kill you. I'm still (mostly) vegan now.)

Day 17: The food is not good. Why does everyone think it is? (Note: Everyone LOVES this food. It's not yummy. It's bland and bleh. I feel like everyone tool the koolaid but me. They are always talking about how delicious everything is. I almost want to ask if they are joking.

Day 18-19: I felt so anxious and homesick I could hardly function. I couldn't stand my own skin. Time moved impossibly slow

Day 20: Home. With a husband in my arms and two purring kittens at my feet.

When I started to feel bad (so most of it) I also started to feel dramatic (no surprise). I pulled up the Oliver musical because I wanted to listen to "Food, Glorious Food" but I kept listening. Then I feel in love with "I'd Do Anything." It's a song where the orphans tell Nancy (see below) that they'd do anything for here. When Oliver sings he sounds like an angel. I listened to this song like a million times but I had to stop because it made me long to adopt little Orphan Oliver so much I thought I might cave in from it. I finally understood the line from Decoy Bride. "I am caverns of longingness." But the soundtrack of Oliver had yet more to teach me.

There is a song called "It's a fine, fine life." It's sung by Nancy who is kind of a surrogate mother to the boys. She is in love with Sykes (the villain). Her life is the worst. She's beaten, unloved, taken for granted, and helpless to protect the children. But her song is called "It's a fine, fine life". She lists all these hard things and says but it's a fine life anyway. And I just had an epiphany that has stuck with me even months later. It's my new motto.

Nancy's version:

My version:

Being trapped (not really) at True North made me so grateful for my life. I love my life. It's a fine, fine life and I wouldn't change a thing. Having a headache every day doesn't diminished this fine life I'm living.

So when life seems too hard, when it seems unfair and too much. I remember Nancy.

In conclusion: I'm glad True North made me vegan. And I'm never going back there.

New Website!!!

Come check out my new website. I think you'll be able to remember the URL...
MeganAllen.com

 
  Come visit me!! →

I'm so excited to share this with you. Amazing things you'll find at MeganAllen.com:
1. Pictures of kittens
2. A poll to vote on your favorite hair color I've tried.
3. A link to my NEW NOVELLA!!! The Morland Prince
4. Pictures of my latest crafts
5. Posts about the awesome things God is teaching me.

Come over and check it out!! (Everyone is doing it)

Six Impossible Things

Six Impossible Things.  Having New Daily Persistent Headache means believing you can do six impossible things before breakfast.

I love Alice. I really should try and finish the books. Six impossible things. Count them, Megan.

1. Climb out from under a pile of bricks

I feel really bad first thing in the morning. I'm so sore. Every muscle hurts, every bone feels bruised somehow. At first it's kind of like I haven't slept at all but instead was beat up by a gang of bikers all night. But I bear no bruises. I guess it's all in my head ;)


2. Defeat the sun

I don't like the sun. I don't like the cut of his jib. I don't like how he things he can just shine wherever he wants. All my windows are curtained except one. I have this very tall window above my door. Every morning it shines right into the hallway and into my eyes. It's a poignant, deep hate. But every day I don't die, so we call it a tie. We have only recently purchased a ladder high enough to get up there. 

3.  Wake two baby lions

It's super dangerous. People have almost died from cuteness overload. This is the best part of my day. Poppet and Moxie are so sweet in the morning. They do look a little bit like lions with their ruff of fur all fluffed around their faces.

4. Let the pain live.

I don't take any medicine. Heavens knows I want to. But medicine turns unborn babies into mutants so I abstain. But this year and a half of trying has been a painfully long time to grin and bear it. Sometimes the grinning part is impossible. But wait nothing is impossible right.  See I'm smiling.

5.  Cuddle cloud kitties.

These kitties are impossible soft. The softest kittens every born. You just can't imagine it. It's like this times a million.

6. Wait by the door.

"Feeling better" is waiting for me on the other side of the door. The other side is my life before. A healthy, care-free life. That door and I are never the right size for each other. I just stare at and will myself to fit. But I'm either too small or too big and even if we were the same size, I've never seen the key. So I just wait. This one is especially impossible.

But thankfully after I've done these six things I eat breakfast and then everything is a whole lot better.

5 year anniversary

***Disclaimer*** Lots of sad feelings but it ends happy

This is a very strange thing to see. I've had NDPH for five years. There is this question spoonies ask each other. It goes something like this "If you could go back in time to when your pain had just started, what advice would you give yourself?" Examples are : "I would tell myself not to go to Dr. XYZ or try this medicine." "I would tell myself that my condition was ___ and that if I started to accept that now, my journey will be so much smoother." "Avoid the _____ event that started everything."

My answer was this "what a question. Mine were inevitable. I don't know that past me benefits from knowing that 4 yrs from now it still won't be gone."

I think a lot about past Megan when our anniversary looms. I've been preparing for this post for a couple months. The five year mark loomed before me and I wasn't sure what to do with it. So I started to compile things. I journal a lot, specifically prayer journals. It's how my brain works. I have to get it out, all out. When it's out, it's almost like it wasn't there. Almost. So I went back through my journals and found my thoughts for each past anniversary and made pictures depicting each! 

P.S. My headaches started April 5, 2011

5 months entry:

"Nothing but alive in your hands. Today was a bad day. My head hurts + neck + shoulders and it was an easy work day. I am so broken and in the depths. Is there a purpose? Are you trying to cultivate something in me? Trying to teach me something? I love you and I need you. Thank you for your mercies. Thank you that my head hurts less. Help me to stop crying and not get into a self-pity cycle. I love you. You are all I need. Not relief. Not to be retired. You. You are enough."

I don't know nothing about pain. I was just born yesterday

Oh bless five-months me. Little la-la-la lamb had no idea what's coming. This was the mental picture I got instantly. She thinks she is sad. She thinks she is in pain but it gets worse.

1st year entry:

Psalm 13

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
    because he is good to me.

Where did these come from?

She is so confused. I remember thinking "Surely it will end any moment. It will end so soon like having a cold or a pulled muscle. Any day now." Hitting the year mark was so bizarre and foreign that I didn't even get it for a while.

2nd year entry:

Two years. I feel that I dare not even call to You. I’ve pretty much ignored You because You chose not to heal me. I’m not angry, just sad. I remember when I hit one year. How much longer does this go one? I wish, I pray to have my life back. Where is my cure? Please let me find it. But until then, help me to be kind. Let my suffering make me kind. Can we do this together? I know I’ve been trying to do it on my own. I’m so defeated. God help me. 

Prostrate

Yup.

3rd year entry:

3 years... I am horrified. That thought roils my stomach. It’s like swallowing a balloon of ice cold air. I just live in such denial of the time passing. I’ve been saying it’s been 2 1/2 years way past the time. Up until a couple months ago. How many more? Will I read this next April and cry at my naivety as I have done at my other anniversary entries. The despair is so real I feel it like a cloak or a dementor. But even so there was March. Last month was good. What was that? Hope. We all know what Ben Folds says about that... It’s a poisoned fount. But I’m dying of thirst and I can’t stop myself!! I hate myself for smiling about it!! But the next second I start to cry so I’m not lost. I want to be a mother. I’m ready. Please let’s be done okay?

Matthew 7:7-8

"Keep on asking and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, find. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.

Cloak of despair

I remember where I was when I was writing this. I was at the airport on my way to FLL for Cruising with a Mission. I was feeling really bad and there were no good restaurants. I had decided to do a check of the past couple months pain logs and was horrified and also surprised. There were a lot of really bad month but March had been surprisingly good. Good enough to give me some hope. But not enough to pull me out of my pit.

4th year entry:

It passed me by. I never thought April 5th would pass me unaware. The sadness is so minimal. It’s not the all consuming despair it has been. I’m so grateful. I’m so glad to be freed from that pain. I really think finishing Elinor, saving her has saved me. Because if I couldn’t save an imaginary character what chance was there for me? In regards to my entry last year... I’m so glad that I don’t curse her as a fool for hope. It’s not better but it is. What will next year be like? Will I be better? Will my acceptance have transformed to pure joy? Will I have a baby? For the first time in forever the future feels like only Hope. Only good things. The pain is unaltered but I am altered. 

Turning pain into butterflies

- I can hardly believe I wrote that but I remember writing every word and I remember exactly where I was. I was at Duke hospital for a dental appointment and I was on my phone. Suddenly I realized the date. It was April 11th and April 5th had passed me by. It was like a punch in the chest it was so surprising. I had just recently found peace and it had come into my life like a grenade blowing everything else away. My drawing is of me making origami butterflies out of the old calendar pages. Making something beautiful out of the pain.

5th year entry:

"Yesterday was my five year headache anniversary. It wasn't the saddest but maybe that was because I had been dreading it so long. Let this be the last one. Heal me!!! now. today. I trust you. It's hard to remember before. Last year's anniversary was so pure and hopeful. I almost don't recognize myself in it. I want to be what she hoped I'd be. Not sure I am. But it spurs me on. Next April 5th I will be celebrating healing. Lead me out of this wilderness and into the promised land. Let me see your miracles and wonders."

Joel 2:25

"I will repay you for the years the locust have eaten."

2 Corinthians 12:9

"My grace is sufficient for you. For my strength is made perfect in your weakness."

Waiting at the intersection of faith and hope like Anne Shirley. 

"I know God is coming to take me to the promised land but if it's not today I think I'll just sleep in that wild cherry tree and wait again tomorrow."

See it ended happy. Sorry if that was too much honesty but it is what it is. 

Happy 5 year headaches. 

How to survive headaches with no medicine

So when you are trying to have a baby you can't take any medicine because medicine turns babies into mutants. The whole nine months without any emergency drugs was part of what took so long for us to try. It's super scary and just about as hard as I imagined it would be (I have a very good imagination) So I thought I'd share my survival tips in the chance that it helps another spoonie.


Step 1: Curtains. For real. Curtain every entry point that sunshine can leak through. The sun is enemy #1. Be proactive. I've thought about stapling the edge of the curtains to the wall but that's crazy....

Step 2: A well stocked freezer. This is exactly as important as step 1. I would die without my ice packs. I don't travel anywhere without them. 

Step 3: Bengay.  I'd name my firstborn "Bengay" if that wasn't the worst name in created history. I literally have four tubes of this within a thirty second walk from where I'm sitting right now.  A thing I said about Bengay: "...so I grab some Bengay and spread it on my temples. It is so cold and numbing I could marry it." And I would marry it too.  But don't ever buy another kind. Only cold therapy is good. I don't even understand why they make another kind.

Step 4: Naps. Naps are the greatest under-utilized tool of my generations, heck of all generations. I take a nap most days. There are few things a three hour nap can't fix, except for when it actually makes my headaches worse. But you win some you loose some. I'd go crazy if I wasn't able to nap anymore. 

Step 5:  Coke and Tylenol. So what do I do when things get bad even after steps 1-4 haven't worked? I drink a Coke and take some Tylenol. It's absurd that this is my rescue protocol. Rescue protocol is what you do to abort a really bad headache. Rescue drugs are the nukes of your arsenal. So it's absolutely laughable that I expect Coke and Tylenol to do anything. But when you've had nothing, you'll take what you can get. Sometimes it helps, most times it doesn't. But it helps to keep the panic down. So that's something. And Coke makes me happy. I shouldn't really take either of them but I like to be a rebel. As a strange man told me just today "Hey, I like your hair. It makes you look like a badass." *Best compliment ever*

Step 6:  Heating Pad. This one is a maintenance tool more than an emergency tool. But I use it every day. My back is stupid and hurts all the time but it's nothing compared to the rest of me. So I give it a heating blanket and tell it to shut up. But my heating pad is really nice and takes the edge off.

Step 7: Take a bath. I love baths. Having bright hair does complicate things, since the color leaks out in warm water. I like to listen to movies while I'm in there. Usually Decoy Bride or New Moon. It has to be something I know well and can listen to instead of watch. But I really don't take too many baths since I'm not allowed to make them scalding lava temperature which is the only way it's worth it.

Step 8: Audible. This is what saves the day when everything else has failed. When I've been at a Level 9 for hours and I can't take medicine and I can't think the pain is so consuming, listening to an audio book saves me. It pulls me out of my pain prison and takes me to another world. It also keeps the panic down and keeps me calm as I wait out the storm. I've listened to the Book Thief 4 times. Jane Eyre chapter 27 a million times and On Writing by Stephen Kind 2 times.

Hope this gave my headache friends some tips and my loved ones a look into my life.  What I really probably need is a Step 9: Fluffy baby kitty!! But all good things to those who wait.

Bitterness: The Boomerang of Emotions

Bitterness isn't the only emotion that does this, of course. There are lots of emotions to come back around moments after you throw them away as hard as you can. But to each villain is own vice, as Edward Rochester would say, and mine is towards bitterness.

I wonder when it first started. I think we all have a favorite failing. I think it's written in our personality and life experiences like a thread in a tapestry. Because there are faults I have to fight all day every day to stop and there are other things I'll never be and I don't even have to think about. We are each our own strange little creatures with our own mountains to climb.

So as I've discussed, my journey in and out of bitterness about my headaches was slow. When my headaches first started I wasn't bitter. I had no idea what was going on and what was ahead. Sometimes I read journal entries from that time and I think "Oh poor little thing, you have no idea what is coming and how the long the road will be." And then I think about the future Megan who will think I was a fool for thinking that way because she knows what's waiting for me. Cheerful thoughts. So the bitterness came slowly after a couple months. I think it started when I had to stop working. That was a big adjustment to make. I'd love being a dental hygienist and the idea of being a stay-at-home invalid was very depressing. It felt like failure but even then it was a temporary solution. If I wasn't working I'd have loads of time for doctors and treatments and it would be over before I knew it. But we know it wasn't and a seed of disappointment was planted and turned into bitterness.

This stayed and worsened for the next three years. It got stronger and better at hiding itself from me. I thought I was being strong and tough. But I was angry and mad and bitter and those aren't the same things. In June two years go, I finally got it. God was allowing this to happen. This was my cross to bear. And He was enough. He was enough to get me through it. It wasn't too much because he'd give it to me and He would give me the strength to get through it.

Then it got better for a while. People noticed a change. I was kinder and smiled more and was happier even if I wasn't feeling better and then something happened. I think the pain got to me. I had started to get slowly progressively worse and I think I just lost it. Maybe it was also try to get pregnant. Either way bitterness came creeping in and I didn't even notice it. I'd stopped praying for God to heal me and I thought I was just giving him space. I didn't want to get mad at him for not answering my prayers so I wasn't praying them. I was just skipping the fight by not even talking to Him. I know I'm a genius. It started to feel like hope was for loser. As every hipster knows, he who cares and tries the least is the coolest.

Anyway I started to wake up when I went to visit Lauren in Raleigh. We were talking about bitterness and I said "Yeah I used to be really bitter. But I'm over it?"
And she said full of love and I'm sure not aware what her words meant to me "And you aren't anymore?"
Ouch. I started the painful process of looking at myself. Was I bitter? No, that was impossible because I'd already dealt with that feeling one time. So it was gone forever. But I'd really just pulled a classic Megan.

Can't see it, don't feel it!! Works like a charm until the unseen feelings get organized and all pounce at once. It's super fun when that happens.

So anyway I'm finally crawling back out of that dumb hole but I'm trying to be wiser this time. I'll be looking for it when it comes back. Because it will. It's so hard to stay positive. I have two setting.

1. April Ludgate- I hate everything. No one talk to me.

 or 2. Leslie Knope- The world is sunshine and rainbow and I want to marry it.

(There is no in-between.)

Anyway time to turn the feeling switch to full flow as I turn into Leslie Knope.