Pregnancy and New Daily Persistent Headache

Headaches and pregnancy is not a fun combination. There is a sense of helplessness with not being able to take any medications and just having to grin and bear it. There are like 4 forum posts about what happens when someone with NDPH gets pregnant. Which is nothing. There is tons and tons of info about migraines and pregnancy. Most people with migraines feeling better during pregnancy. Maybe just temporarily but 90% of them find relief. This is the statistic that people liked to tell me. "Just get pregnant. It'll cure your headaches. When 'so-and-so' got pregnant her headaches went away forever. So go ahead..." I did not really appreciate that. Matt & I thought really hard about whether we wanted to have children or not. I worried I'd be a absent mom and that my kids would resent the constraints my headaches would put on their lives. Matt worried that it would complete break my already slightly broken brain. But after a while we just knew that a life without children would be a lesser life for us and that God would give us whatever strength and patience we'd need.  It took us a while to get pregnant and now that's it's happened I've had to come to terms with the reality that now I'm in my second trimester my headaches are not getting better.

Everything is actually worse :)

Here is a scientific picture of how headaches work.

Headache works the pain pump and sprays pain all over the brain which it then sends to the rest of the body.

It does what it wants.

Yeah somehow it's been six years already. Which seems like a lie because that's too long.

Pregnancy was supposed to calm everything down. It was supposed to lull my headaches to a restful hibernation. It was supposed to be a beautiful friendship.

But instead the pregnancy is only egging the headache on. Headache seems to see this all as a challenge and is using this as an opportunity to really test what it's capable of.
It. Could. Go. All. The. Way!

There was a little despair when I realized that my headaches were not going to get better. And it has been extremely painful having to explain this is every well-wisher who makes me repeat myself.
Well-Wisher "So how are you feeling?"
Me "Bad? But you know it is what it is"
Well-Wisher "Your headaches are better, right?"
Me "Um no. Worse actually."
Well-Wisher "I thought your headaches were supposed to get better. That's what I heard. So-and-so got better during pregnancy."
Me "Yeah. Not so much."
Well-Wisher "Well maybe it'll get better."
Me "Probably not."
Well-Wisher when they see me one week later "So are the headaches better?"
Me "Um no. It's probably won't get better."
Well-Wisher "Oh..."

I have had this exact conversation at least five times. Le sigh.
It comforts me to remember this verse:
James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds. Because when your faith is tested your perseverance has a change to grow. So let it grow so that you may be complete and not lacking in anything.
1. I am neither complete nor lacking nothing so obviously my perseverance is not done yet.
2. I like to think that I would have had headaches during pregnancy anyway and that my years of training have prepared me for this.
3. I also like to think that I'm going to need perseverance for whatever new terrible thing is coming next so I'll need to grow so I'm ready for it.

I was having above conversation with a loved one and they said "When I talk to you, you sound so good. You put on a good show of feeling fine."
I decided to take it as a compliment and I said "Thanks. That's my goal."
Because it is my goal. Complaining doesn't help. Moaning doesn't help (sometimes it does.)
Here is my philosophy.
I have to suffer the pain one times. But when I complain and focus on my suffering I'm feeling the pain a second time. Why would I do that? I will not let it make me unhappy. I have to be in pain but I do not have to surrender my joy. That is suffering twice and no thank you.

Moral of the story: I'm really fine. And I'm really happy. And focusing on it is not an option because it gives me panic attacks which is another new thing that is happening. So cheers.

Free Novella! Start reading now. Your soul might even depend on it!

Everyone loves a free story. Especially a free story about magic, murder, and friendship. Light on friendship. Heavy on murder.

Headache Survival Kit: How to survive your wife's headaches.

How to survive your wife's headaches. The only thing you need is the Headache Survival Kit for husbands. No more living in the dark!!

Disclaimer:

This post was approved by my husband. And by 'approved' I mean I told him about it and he said it sounded funny.

Review of Headache Treatment at True North Health Center

***Disclaimers***

1. Everyone there meant well and many people took excellent care of me.

2. While there were no 'good times' not every second was bad.

3. This is a little sad and contains many feelings.

I went to True North Health Center in September 2016 for my headache disorder, New Daily Persistent Headache. Basically I've had a headache every day for five+ years and it may never go away. Read this blog post for more info.  So I went to True North to try their treatment this past September. And it's taken me this long to decide to write about it. To be honest I have thought very little about it since then. It was too much and it is still even now too raw. And I can't wait to not think about this again.

True North Health Center is a clinic in California that treats all kind of conditions with water-only fasting and healthy eating. Water-only fasting means just that. Only consuming water for a set period of time. Many people do a week. My goal was 6-8 weeks. The thought behind this is that digesting our food takes 70% of the body's energy. So if there is nothing to digest, the body then has energy available to fix itself. Also the continuous water flushes out all the bad things. Sounds reasonable.

I heard about True North from many people. I didn't want to do it. But Matt did. Matt so rarely feels strongly about headache treatments that I felt compelled to try it and if he was hopeful, I was hopeful. People like to ask me if I'm glad I went. And I don't know. I can't go back in time and so I choose to be grateful for the things I got out of it even if I didn't get healing.

It's hard for me to describe to people in short conversation why it was so hard. It really wasn't just the not eating. I love eating for sure but I was pretty emotionally prepared to just have water. It was mostly that my body just broke. I'll take you through it.

The set-up. The compound is an old hotel. The rooms form a square around the central courtyard. There are probably 20? people there with me. But most fasters stay in their room. There is a cafeteria where meals are served for those easting. There are cooking demonstrations and lectures about eating well.
A staff medical person comes at least twice a day. (They come more often because I am a difficult case.) They tell me that they will come and wake me up in the morning to take me vitals. I do not like that idea. Most of the staff are men. But after a while I get comfortable and honestly most of the time when they come by I'm already awake. I had brought books and crafts but I barely felt well enough to watch T.V. Oh and you can't shower! Because fasting people will pass out in the shower. (Packing tip for anyone going there. Pack only these things: 4 set of pajamas, tank with built in bras, many underwear/socks, apple tv, bible, journal, toiletries including baby wipes, heating pad. That's it. You don't need a thing more.

 Here is a detailed summary of my visit. I wrote it all out because maybe someone who is thinking about True North for their headaches will find this page. I know I would have loved to read a blog like this before I went. Maybe I still would have gone and if I did it would have helped. I was unprepared for the level of suffering that was before me. Here is a day by day account. (Note: As I start feeling worse I journal less so I don't remember everything from the bad days.)

Sept  3: I arrive after a six hour plane ride, a three hour bus ride, and a fifteen minute taxi. (just missing a boat). I have -2 spoons. I could hardly stand to be around any of the check-in people. I just needed to be alone. I had paid extra for a room by myself (oh P.S. this is super expensive obviously) I get to my room and it hits me. I'm doing a crazy thing. I might be here for six weeks. Away from my kittens and husband for six weeks. I start to freak out a little. I felt scared, alone, overwhelmed and suffocated. And I fixed it by shoving it down because that was the only thing to do. After I unpacked and changed, I put on the Grand Hotel and felt like a new person. Oh Julio!

Sept 4:  I met my overseeing Doctor, Dr. O'Connell. She was nice. I wanted to start my fast right away but I wouldn't until the next day. I was still pretty optimistic at this point but anxious and awkward feeling.

Day 1 of fasting: I started the water fast and it was going fine at first. I felt excited and perky. I thought "Ha! I'm going to feel this good all month!"... Not so much. I started to feel bad around 1pm. Restlessness. Upset stomach. Back Pain. Bad headache. But all that stuff was expected so I just went to bed early and woke up at 4am. I'm a genius.

Day 2: No good, very bad, awful day. I'd never felt so horrible for so long a time. Headache, body aches, nausea, vomiting (3x). I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. It was really hard to keep myself distracted. I thought "It has to get better or I'll have to leave." It felt like hell. Sparkling water helped a bit.

Day 3-4: It's better. Bit by bit. Still bad but bearable. Statistically I should be finishing with my bad days. Whole body hurts but no vomiting. Constantly prayed "God help me!" Day 4 ends with lots of vomiting.

Le sigh
Day 5: Threw up too much yesterday... Forced to start 2 day juice. Doctor hopes that will calm my stomach and help me reset. Juice breaks the fast. So I'd be starting over with my six week count.

Day 6: Juice fast not great. Took sparkling water to help <----- Greatest mistake ever. Severe stomach pain. I mean for real severe. Thought I had appendicitis or something. Had to call the on-call doctor in the middle of the night. She recommended a suppository because she thought there was some stuff still in my tract (she is right 😊) **This on-call doctor is the best doctor I see the whole time. She is always there when I need her. Because my doctor, Dr. O, is also fasting and is useless to me.

Day 7: I'm on food, only temporarily. Zucchini, potato broth, juice. Felt full and bloated. Sharp pain. Suppository again.

Day 8: Stomach better. Strong pain hangover. Felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Wanted to sleep forever.

Day 9: Broth. Broth is 95% as effective as water only fasting. They think the electrolytes will help my stomach. I am still fasting.

Day 10: Felt good until 2pm. Full tight stomach. It felt like I had just had three Thanksgiving dinners. So full a sip of broth make me feel like I'll throw up. Only finished 1 1/2 of 4 broths. Risk of dehydration.

Day 11: Bottled water now. Full tight stomach again.

Day 12: Broth. Still can't swallow enough.

Day 13:Broth. Vomit. Too much vomiting. Risk of dehydration. My body now hates the broth. Juice now.

Day 14: Juice & water. I obviously couldn't go back to just water or broth. Juice does not put my body in fasting. I came to True North to fast. And my body wasn't letting me. I felt incapable and just wanted to go home. Dr O is not around to talk to. Other doctors come and I told them that I am paying $$$ a day to fast and my body wouldn't let me. They want me to stay for the whole six weeks but just eat their organic fancy food. I am 0% interested in that. I cry a lot. It's over. I failed.

Sample of my interactions with staff:

Everyone was nice and genuinely distressed at my body's reaction to everything. They so wanted me to be a success story. I felt taken care of and safe. It's not their fault.

Day 15: Refeeding. 4 giant plates of zucchini. Bleh.

Day 16: Fruit. I get to go home in a couple days. I felt empty. I wasn't sure if I regretted coming but I was glad for the lifestyle changes. (Note: during all this suffering, there is a DVD book you watch to kill time. The DVDs teach you that being vegan is the best and animal products kill you. I'm still (mostly) vegan now.)

Day 17: The food is not good. Why does everyone think it is? (Note: Everyone LOVES this food. It's not yummy. It's bland and bleh. I feel like everyone tool the koolaid but me. They are always talking about how delicious everything is. I almost want to ask if they are joking.

Day 18-19: I felt so anxious and homesick I could hardly function. I couldn't stand my own skin. Time moved impossibly slow

Day 20: Home. With a husband in my arms and two purring kittens at my feet.

When I started to feel bad (so most of it) I also started to feel dramatic (no surprise). I pulled up the Oliver musical because I wanted to listen to "Food, Glorious Food" but I kept listening. Then I feel in love with "I'd Do Anything." It's a song where the orphans tell Nancy (see below) that they'd do anything for here. When Oliver sings he sounds like an angel. I listened to this song like a million times but I had to stop because it made me long to adopt little Orphan Oliver so much I thought I might cave in from it. I finally understood the line from Decoy Bride. "I am caverns of longingness." But the soundtrack of Oliver had yet more to teach me.

There is a song called "It's a fine, fine life." It's sung by Nancy who is kind of a surrogate mother to the boys. She is in love with Sykes (the villain). Her life is the worst. She's beaten, unloved, taken for granted, and helpless to protect the children. But her song is called "It's a fine, fine life". She lists all these hard things and says but it's a fine life anyway. And I just had an epiphany that has stuck with me even months later. It's my new motto.

Nancy's version:

My version:

Being trapped (not really) at True North made me so grateful for my life. I love my life. It's a fine, fine life and I wouldn't change a thing. Having a headache every day doesn't diminished this fine life I'm living.

So when life seems too hard, when it seems unfair and too much. I remember Nancy.

In conclusion: I'm glad True North made me vegan. And I'm never going back there.

New Website!!!

Come check out my new website. I think you'll be able to remember the URL...
MeganAllen.com

 
  Come visit me!! →

I'm so excited to share this with you. Amazing things you'll find at MeganAllen.com:
1. Pictures of kittens
2. A poll to vote on your favorite hair color I've tried.
3. A link to my NEW NOVELLA!!! The Morland Prince
4. Pictures of my latest crafts
5. Posts about the awesome things God is teaching me.

Come over and check it out!! (Everyone is doing it)

Six Impossible Things

Six Impossible Things.  Having New Daily Persistent Headache means believing you can do six impossible things before breakfast.

I love Alice. I really should try and finish the books. Six impossible things. Count them, Megan.

1. Climb out from under a pile of bricks

I feel really bad first thing in the morning. I'm so sore. Every muscle hurts, every bone feels bruised somehow. At first it's kind of like I haven't slept at all but instead was beat up by a gang of bikers all night. But I bear no bruises. I guess it's all in my head ;)


2. Defeat the sun

I don't like the sun. I don't like the cut of his jib. I don't like how he things he can just shine wherever he wants. All my windows are curtained except one. I have this very tall window above my door. Every morning it shines right into the hallway and into my eyes. It's a poignant, deep hate. But every day I don't die, so we call it a tie. We have only recently purchased a ladder high enough to get up there. 

3.  Wake two baby lions

It's super dangerous. People have almost died from cuteness overload. This is the best part of my day. Poppet and Moxie are so sweet in the morning. They do look a little bit like lions with their ruff of fur all fluffed around their faces.

4. Let the pain live.

I don't take any medicine. Heavens knows I want to. But medicine turns unborn babies into mutants so I abstain. But this year and a half of trying has been a painfully long time to grin and bear it. Sometimes the grinning part is impossible. But wait nothing is impossible right.  See I'm smiling.

5.  Cuddle cloud kitties.

These kitties are impossible soft. The softest kittens every born. You just can't imagine it. It's like this times a million.

6. Wait by the door.

"Feeling better" is waiting for me on the other side of the door. The other side is my life before. A healthy, care-free life. That door and I are never the right size for each other. I just stare at and will myself to fit. But I'm either too small or too big and even if we were the same size, I've never seen the key. So I just wait. This one is especially impossible.

But thankfully after I've done these six things I eat breakfast and then everything is a whole lot better.

5 year anniversary

***Disclaimer*** Lots of sad feelings but it ends happy

This is a very strange thing to see. I've had NDPH for five years. There is this question spoonies ask each other. It goes something like this "If you could go back in time to when your pain had just started, what advice would you give yourself?" Examples are : "I would tell myself not to go to Dr. XYZ or try this medicine." "I would tell myself that my condition was ___ and that if I started to accept that now, my journey will be so much smoother." "Avoid the _____ event that started everything."

My answer was this "what a question. Mine were inevitable. I don't know that past me benefits from knowing that 4 yrs from now it still won't be gone."

I think a lot about past Megan when our anniversary looms. I've been preparing for this post for a couple months. The five year mark loomed before me and I wasn't sure what to do with it. So I started to compile things. I journal a lot, specifically prayer journals. It's how my brain works. I have to get it out, all out. When it's out, it's almost like it wasn't there. Almost. So I went back through my journals and found my thoughts for each past anniversary and made pictures depicting each! 

P.S. My headaches started April 5, 2011

5 months entry:

"Nothing but alive in your hands. Today was a bad day. My head hurts + neck + shoulders and it was an easy work day. I am so broken and in the depths. Is there a purpose? Are you trying to cultivate something in me? Trying to teach me something? I love you and I need you. Thank you for your mercies. Thank you that my head hurts less. Help me to stop crying and not get into a self-pity cycle. I love you. You are all I need. Not relief. Not to be retired. You. You are enough."

I don't know nothing about pain. I was just born yesterday

Oh bless five-months me. Little la-la-la lamb had no idea what's coming. This was the mental picture I got instantly. She thinks she is sad. She thinks she is in pain but it gets worse.

1st year entry:

Psalm 13

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
    because he is good to me.

Where did these come from?

She is so confused. I remember thinking "Surely it will end any moment. It will end so soon like having a cold or a pulled muscle. Any day now." Hitting the year mark was so bizarre and foreign that I didn't even get it for a while.

2nd year entry:

Two years. I feel that I dare not even call to You. I’ve pretty much ignored You because You chose not to heal me. I’m not angry, just sad. I remember when I hit one year. How much longer does this go one? I wish, I pray to have my life back. Where is my cure? Please let me find it. But until then, help me to be kind. Let my suffering make me kind. Can we do this together? I know I’ve been trying to do it on my own. I’m so defeated. God help me. 

Prostrate

Yup.

3rd year entry:

3 years... I am horrified. That thought roils my stomach. It’s like swallowing a balloon of ice cold air. I just live in such denial of the time passing. I’ve been saying it’s been 2 1/2 years way past the time. Up until a couple months ago. How many more? Will I read this next April and cry at my naivety as I have done at my other anniversary entries. The despair is so real I feel it like a cloak or a dementor. But even so there was March. Last month was good. What was that? Hope. We all know what Ben Folds says about that... It’s a poisoned fount. But I’m dying of thirst and I can’t stop myself!! I hate myself for smiling about it!! But the next second I start to cry so I’m not lost. I want to be a mother. I’m ready. Please let’s be done okay?

Matthew 7:7-8

"Keep on asking and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, find. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.

Cloak of despair

I remember where I was when I was writing this. I was at the airport on my way to FLL for Cruising with a Mission. I was feeling really bad and there were no good restaurants. I had decided to do a check of the past couple months pain logs and was horrified and also surprised. There were a lot of really bad month but March had been surprisingly good. Good enough to give me some hope. But not enough to pull me out of my pit.

4th year entry:

It passed me by. I never thought April 5th would pass me unaware. The sadness is so minimal. It’s not the all consuming despair it has been. I’m so grateful. I’m so glad to be freed from that pain. I really think finishing Elinor, saving her has saved me. Because if I couldn’t save an imaginary character what chance was there for me? In regards to my entry last year... I’m so glad that I don’t curse her as a fool for hope. It’s not better but it is. What will next year be like? Will I be better? Will my acceptance have transformed to pure joy? Will I have a baby? For the first time in forever the future feels like only Hope. Only good things. The pain is unaltered but I am altered. 

Turning pain into butterflies

- I can hardly believe I wrote that but I remember writing every word and I remember exactly where I was. I was at Duke hospital for a dental appointment and I was on my phone. Suddenly I realized the date. It was April 11th and April 5th had passed me by. It was like a punch in the chest it was so surprising. I had just recently found peace and it had come into my life like a grenade blowing everything else away. My drawing is of me making origami butterflies out of the old calendar pages. Making something beautiful out of the pain.

5th year entry:

"Yesterday was my five year headache anniversary. It wasn't the saddest but maybe that was because I had been dreading it so long. Let this be the last one. Heal me!!! now. today. I trust you. It's hard to remember before. Last year's anniversary was so pure and hopeful. I almost don't recognize myself in it. I want to be what she hoped I'd be. Not sure I am. But it spurs me on. Next April 5th I will be celebrating healing. Lead me out of this wilderness and into the promised land. Let me see your miracles and wonders."

Joel 2:25

"I will repay you for the years the locust have eaten."

2 Corinthians 12:9

"My grace is sufficient for you. For my strength is made perfect in your weakness."

Waiting at the intersection of faith and hope like Anne Shirley. 

"I know God is coming to take me to the promised land but if it's not today I think I'll just sleep in that wild cherry tree and wait again tomorrow."

See it ended happy. Sorry if that was too much honesty but it is what it is. 

Happy 5 year headaches.